On the Ledge: A Memoir by Amy Turner
Publisher: She Writes Press, (September 6, 2022)
Category: Memoir, Dysfunctional Families, Mental Wellness
Tour dates: September 6, 2022-October 7, 2022
ISBN: 978-1647422257
Available in Print and ebook, 256 pages
Description On the Ledge by Amy Turner
In 1957, when Amy Turner was four years old, her father had to be talked down from a hotel ledge by a priest. The story of his attempted suicide received nationwide press coverage, and he spent months in a psychiatric facility before returning home. From then on, Amy constantly worried about him for reasons she didn’t yet fully understand, triggering a pattern of hypervigilance that would plague her into adulthood.
In 2010, fifty-five years after her father’s attempted suicide, Amy—now a wife, mother, and lawyer-turned-schoolteacher—is convinced she’s dealt with all the psychological reverberations of her childhood. Then she steps into a crosswalk and is mowed down by a pickup truck—an accident that nearly kills her, and that ultimately propels her on a remarkable emotional journey. With the help of Chinese Medicine, Somatic Experiencing, and serendipities that might be attributed to grace, Amy first unravels the trauma of her own brush with death and then, unexpectedly, heals the childhood trauma buried far deeper.
Poignant and intimate, On the Ledge is Amy’s insightful and surprisingly humorous chronicle of coming to terms with herself and her parents as the distinct, vulnerable individuals they are. Perhaps more meaningfully, it offers proof that no matter how far along you are in life, it’s never too late to find yourself.
Advance Praise On the Ledge by Amy Turner
“. . . an intriguing memoir . . . that many readers will find relatable. . . . A frank and engaging portrait of one family’s struggles with mental illness.”—Kirkus Reviews
“In lyrical and vivid prose, Amy Turner reckons with her family secrets and how they dug their roots deep into her psyche. With trauma as the inciting force, Turner courageously comes to terms with her past and present, showing us how choosing to lean into the scars can reveal paths forward. On the Ledge is a compelling read, told with grace, vulnerability, and depth.”—Rachel Michelberg, author of Crash: How I Became a Reluctant Caregiver
“This remarkable story of a woman’s journey toward healing after a random, shocking accident takes us back in time into the home of an unusual family and the seminal event that shaped them all. In peeling back layers of trauma and revisiting key moments from her past, Turner comes to a new understanding of what it means to be a daughter, a mother, a woman, and a seeker of truth. This is a riveting story of courage and redemption. And dare I say that parts of it are very, very funny?”—Hope Edelman, #1 New York Times best-selling author of Motherless Daughters and The AfterGrief
“On the Ledge is an extraordinary memoir of the way trauma harms both body and soul. Amy Turner’s near-miss with death at the age of fifty-seven propels her on a journey back through family history, leading to a new understanding of how her father’s attempted suicide and her mother’s determination to ‘move on’ has shaped—and limited—her since the age of four. Inspirational and beautifully told.”—Susan Scarf Merrell, author of Shirley: A Novel, now a major motion picture
“Absorbing, direct, humorous, horrific, On the Ledge explores the edge of madness as an artful memoir that also addresses two growing contemporary concerns: suicide and addiction. Timely, significant, well written, this is a courageous and engaging account, neither didactic nor sentimental, that belongs on school shelves as well as in the home.”—Joan Baum, host of NPR’s Baum on Books
Guest Post by Amy Turner
“Secrets and Safety”
When I was four and a half, my father didn’t return home after a business trip, and I wouldn’t see him again for ten months. What I didn’t know then and wouldn’t learn for many years was that he had been admitted to a mental hospital after climbing onto the ledge of his hotel room and threatened to jump. The event was captured by the press and appeared on the front pages of newspapers across the country.
My father’s “disappearance”—exacerbated by my mother’s active alcoholism— triggered hypervigilance and anxiety that would plague me into adulthood. Should my father disappear again, my mother—preoccupied with her struggle to stay sober—might be incapable of saving me.
Simply put, I did not feel safe.
I don’t recall being told where my father had gone or why he wasn’t home, but hearing the word “hospital” spoken frequently in the house, I did what children do when something is hidden from them—I made up an explanation I could understand.
Initially, I decided that if my father was at a hospital, he must be training to become a doctor. Later, I told myself a new story. I have an early memory of my father in which he abruptly pushed me off his knee as we sat in the barn-red wicker rocking chair on the porch. I believe this incident occurred when he briefly visited home during the year he spent in the hospital (though I’m not sure that home visits were allowed). But I conflated the push with his absence and decided he’d been away to have his knee fixed. I doubt I knew the word “surgery” at that age, but I must have intuited that this explanation was far less scary than the truth, which I wouldn’t learn until I was sixteen.
When my father eventually returned, I must have been relieved, but I didn’t feel safer. My mother constantly warned my two younger brothers and me not to upset our father. “Don’t get Dad mad. Don’t get him angry.” She didn’t explain why and I knew better than to ask her. But her tone and the frequency of her admonishments conveyed to me—even at a young age—that the consequences could be serious. Making a mistake that might bother Dad—eventually any kind of mistake—felt like it had life-or-death consequences.
When I was sixteen, my parents sent me to a psychologist, probably because I was starting to show signs of depression and anxiety. I loved those sessions because I was free of the worry my words would upset someone. Wondering why I expressed so much concern about my father, my psychologist spoke to my mother, who told him about my father’s suicide attempt.
Thus, my psychologist told me the truth. The revelation was utterly shocking and strangely familiar; it was as though the family photographs on our annual Christmas cards had suddenly changed, our forced smiles now accompanied by a darkness around the eyes. For the first time, I understood why my mother’s warnings had been so serious, why they’d carried a hint of life-or-death consequences, and why I’d felt the need to protect him.
I was furious at my mother for keeping this secret—it was as though I’d been living in a parallel universe of her making. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was probably also hurt that she hadn’t trusted me with the information.
Exacting my revenge, I disclosed the secret—like a teenage deep throat—to my brothers, which infuriated my mother. After yelling at me for informing my brothers, she shut my bedroom door with enough force to make clear the topic was closed—for at least the next ten years.
I was well into my thirties before I fully appreciated the situation my mother faced back then. She was an active alcoholic with four small children whose husband was confined to a mental hospital for an indeterminate length of time with an uncertain prognosis. Her priority must have been keeping the family intact and physically safe. The only way to do that would be to get sober, and miraculously to me, she found the strength. I imagine that effort exhausted any capacity she might have otherwise had to recognize and attend to her children’s needs for emotional safety.
Knowing the damage keeping secrets can do, I wish my parents had found a way to convey to us emotional safety. Doubtless, a four-year-old or elementary school-age child is too young to be told about an episode such as my father climbing out on the ledge. But had my mother reassured us in developmentally appropriate terms that we were safe and would be okay and that Dad was receiving the help he needed just as children do when they see the doctor, it would’ve eliminated much of the worry triggered by what we intuited but didn’t know.
At some appropriate interval after my father returned home, it would’ve been comforting had my parents had talked about it with me together. My father’s physical presence and their united front would have helped alleviate my feelings of vulnerability. Their joint participation would’ve conveyed the sense that they were in control, and I might’ve felt less responsibility for and guilty about my father’s mental state.
They might’ve introduced us to the concept of mental illness as we got older. By our teenage years—as we began to separate from our parents and establish individuated identities—we might have been able to process the entire story without feeling our safety was at stake.
But my parents didn’t have the benefit of my hindsight. Hampered by their own significant emotional issues, they were making decisions when there was much greater stigma surrounding suicide and mental illness and a less informed understanding of how to discuss difficult topics appropriately with young children and adolescents.
My parents did their best with what they had—and I have made peace with that.
(c) Amy Turner
About Amy Turner
Amy Turner was born in Bronxville, New York, and is a graduate of Boston University, with a degree in political science, and of New York Law School, with a Juris Doctor Degree. After practicing law (rather unhappily) for twenty-two years, she finally found the courage to change careers at forty-eight and become a (very happy) seventh grade social studies teacher.
A long-time meditator and avid reader who loves to swim and bike, Amy lives in East Hampton, New York, with her husband, Ed, to whom she’s been married for forty years. They have two sons. On the Ledge is Amy’s first book.
Website: https://www.amyturnerauthor.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/amyturnerauthor
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AmyTurnerWriter
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/amyturner2000/
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Giveaway On the Ledge by Amy Turner
This giveaway is for 2 print copies and is open to the U.S. only. This giveaway ends on October 5, 2022 midnight, pacific time. Entries accepted via Rafflecopter only.
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